Coggy

I remember when I first sailed ta these 'ere waters, tha place was full 'o dirty rotten good fer-nottin virmin like Quinn, Clark, Cap'n Jon, Yellowbeard, Henry Morgan, Dave E Jones, La Foot, Moose, Tew, an' Ol'Man...

Aye those were tha days all right. Constant wars 'n skirmishes, broadsides flying about as if thar was no tomorrow, alliance wars, forum wars, civil wars - ye name it - we did it. Twas a fun era ta be a scurvy bastid, I can tell ye...

But alas, times 'r a changin', an one day our theivin' murderous ways will be gone forever, the Eidos forum will no doubt fade in to memory and all our glorious posts will be lost forever... but before they do, I'd like ta remind all ye new swabbeys 'o what real pirating was all about.

I'll pass on some 'o me wisdom 'n experiences to all dat 'r willin' ta hear, 'n maybe one 'o ye fine gits 'ill take it ta heart 'n paint tha Caribbean red fer old times sake. Yee'll certainly make an' ol' Sea Dog like me very 'appy if'n ye does.

Anyhow, enough rambling. Here's Coggys guide ta dealin' with tha Spanish infestation in these fair waters 'o ours. All ye need is a copy 'o Cutthroats: Terror on the High Seas, a trusty parrot by yer side, a fair ship under yer feet, and a good breeze rustling through yer sails...

Thar aint no point in capturin' a town just ta install one 'o yer scurvy officers as Gov'nor. Tha way I see's it, tha more pirate towns thar are, the less killin' rapin' pillagin' 'n lootin' thar is ta be had. Now I knows tis best ta have one 'o two strategic ports dotted about tha place, especially over in da Gulf 'o Mexico, but I recommends that ney more'n 3 should fly yer black flag 'o piracy.

Under ney circumstances should ye ever talk ta these snivlin' poncey yella bastids. They deserves yer upmost contempt, especially if'n tha git orders his wretched cesspool town ta surrender as soon as tha coward see's a bunch 'o yer bastids marching toward it. Those fat onion eatin' buggers need ta be taught a lesson they never be fergettin. So what I recommends it this; tie tha slob to da back 'o a wagon full 'o gunpowder kegs. Take da wagon up a nice steep hill, 'n once thar, carelessly drop a lighted match inta it as ye order yer men ta quickly give it a push back down da hill.

Now mateys, one 'o two tings can appen. Either tha powder wagon, 'n fat Spanish git 'r blown ta perdition's edge, or if'n he's lucky, tha wagon smashes through da dock 'n topples inta tha harbor, whereby a school 'o hungry sharks get emselves a taste 'o the scaggs' flesh.

Now ye has ta be extra careful when dealing wit these sneaky buggers! One minute they eagerly surrender at tha first sign 'o trouble, and da next minute tha swines 'r stabbin' yer gunners up da butt when yer backs turned. So me advice to ye is ta let tha gits eat lead as soon as thar in range. One 'o two volleys from yer cannons is enough ta blast em ta bits and thus pave tha way fer ye ta round up da peasants 'n fair maidens.

These swines have a nasty habit 'o bein' a lil' devious, especially grenadiers. I've lost many a good man to those bastids. Just when ye tink ye has a nice line 'o prisoners ready fer execution, ye can guarantee one 'o dem thar grenadiers 'ill act all brave 'n lob a couple bombs at yer unsuspecin' psychos. Then before ye gets chance ta find which git wus tha culprit, tha swine hoists his hands above is head again 'n acts all innocent.

A rule 'o thumb, mateys. Kill da buggers were they stands, They aint worth keepin' alive cos none 'o em make a good sailor if'n ye pressgang em.

Right mateys, once ye has dealt wit tha Gov'nor, Militia, 'n Redcoats, yer free ta start havin' some REAL fun. Dats where tha landlubberin' peasants come in. What ye do is this. Gather all da dirty stinkin' menfolk inta a large group an' march em to tha town square. Once thar, ye invite em ta partake in a lil military manoeuvre invlovin' several 'o yer cannons. Now mateys, dinnae let tha opportunity slip ta boost yer crews morale, fer a pirate likes nottin' more than havin' a lil wager wit his mates. So I recommends settin' up some sort 'o bet with yer men has ta how many landlubbers ye can mow down wit one cannon ball. Me record ta date wus eleven, but I reckons that can be beaten if'n ye uses grape shot.

Again, ye can have endless fun sending em ta Davey Jones' Locker, but I find tha most satisfying way in dealing wit tha lil tykes, is ta introduce em to tha hand-grenade jig! Some veteran pirates may already know bout this one, and tis a classic in every sense.

Ye need two volunteers from yer crew. Give each man a box full 'o grenades 'n den round up tha kiddies in tha town square, carefully avoiding tha stinkin remains 'o tha parents, cos ye dinnae want ta get any disease infested gizzards on yer shiny black boots, do ye. Anyhow, once tha brats r in position, yer two volunteers embark on lobbing tha grenades towards tha virmin, and ye men can have emselves a lil wager on which carcass flys tha highest.

Once tha cesspool has been liberated o' all living things, jewels, gold, 'n coconuts, burn da bugger to tha ground - but NEVER install yer officer as tha new gov'nor, otherwise ye won't be able ta come back a few months later 'n do it all agains.

Anyhow mateys, that's how ol' Coggy became the most infamous, dirty-rotten good fer-nottin' psychotic bastid ta sail the Caribbean...! I gurantee ye employing them thar tactics will make ye just as infamous as I. Arrrr...

These days I'm in semi-retirement up in Eleuthera where I tend to me fine coconut plantations during da week, 'n preach gods holy word to me parishioners every Sunday morning.

If'n yer ever in my neck 'o da woods, ye know ol' Cogs 'ill make yer more 'n welcome fer a visit. Just make sure ye donates 1/5th 'o yer ill gotten gains to me church fund and keep yer crew's theiv'n scurvy 'ands off me coconuts!